Since our February 5th meeting, I feel that a new positive "flavor" emanates forth now in the Congregation by having civility and warmth returning anew. The silver lining in a crisis is that the "cream" rises to the surface and a new perspective can begin. This has already manifested itself!
At least 2 members have officially resigned by their choice, and they will be forever responsible for their endeavors. It would be nice if the ones that remain out of the half-dozen or so can act in an adult-like manner and deal with the remorseful behavior they exhibited. Least they say otherwise, I am separating their beliefs from their actions..........a big difference!
Enough said about this and I shall close this chapter as I wanted all of you out in blogger land to get this message.
Go Placidly,
Dan Miller
Sunday, January 18, 2009
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I can't speak for everyone out there in blogger land Dan, but your message here comes across to me as someone more than a little bit condescendingly insinuating that the former members of Pullman Memorial U*U Church who officially resigned by their choice were anything but "cream", whereas of course those who stayed "in the club" are the creme de la creme aka the elite. . . You seem to be insinuating that they did something unacceptable aka wrong by suggesting that "they will be forever responsible for their endeavors" whereas of course those who did not resign their memberships are somehow *not* forever responsible for *their* endeavors. . .
Saying,
"It would be nice if the ones that remain out of the half-dozen or so can act in an adult-like manner and deal with the remorseful behavior they exhibited."
Insinuates that those who resigned did not act in an adult-like manner aka behaved childishly. It also insinuates that the unnamed "half-dozen or so" others might act in a similarly childish manner.
To be honest your blog post here combined with your "Go placidly" sign off sounds like a condescendingly long-winded version of the well known Unitarian*Universalist aka U*U mantra -
If you don't like it why don't you leave?
Am I wrong Dan? If you meant something else you might want to re-express yourself more clearly and a lot less condescendingly because I am quite confident that I am not alone in interpreting this message in this manner.
And just what do you mean by suggesting that all of these apparently quite disillusioned people should "deal with the remorseful behavior they exhibited"? Please explain yourself to me and others reading this message because it hardly provides closure to the wounds that people may have suffered in your little U*U "schism". Indeed it may well be inflicting some or at least ripping the scabs off some wounds that *might* be healing.
Sincerely,
Robin Edgar aka The Emerson Avenger
Thank you Robin for expressing how I feel about this message. I very much had hoped that the remaining members (me, for one) could be reconciled but this message does not heal; it adds to the hurt.
Dan, please explain.
You're most welcome Alan,
And thank you for publicly confirming that my confidence that I was by no means alone in interpreting Dan's dubious message in the manner that I did was well founded. I am very confident that most members of the non-U*U public reading Dan's message would interpret it in the same way, not just those, like you, who are directly involved and have been harmed by this U*U "schism".
And yes, I believe that Dan has some explaining to do. To say nothing of some apologies to deliver. . .
Best Wishes,
Robin Edgar
"Enough said about this and I shall close this chapter as I wanted all of you out in blogger land to get this message."
I got your message loud and clear Dan, as confirmed here by Alan to say nothing of others privately. This chapter will not be closed until all involved in it decide that it is closed and your condescending comment insured that it will remain open for a while yet I think. I personally believe that an explanation and an apology are in order if you want this chapter closed sooner rather than later and I say that as an outside observer who has no personal stake in your "issues".
insured should read ensured
Here is something that I just found in the December newsletter of Pullman Memorial Church that you apparently failed to read or totally disregarded Dan. Read it and weep. . .
Foundational values
for Behavioral Covenant for PMUC
Draft
Respect - We need to respect each others ideas and feelings. Sometimes this means agreeing to disagree.
Empathy - We need to put ourselves as much as possible in other people's shoes and try to understand their point of view and feelings. Empathy is not the same thing as sympathy which is feeling like the other person, or agreement. Empathy is the ability to understand, and to be curious and interested in where the other person is coming from.
Assertiveness - People need to speak directly to one another and not behind their back and gossip. This may take courage as there may be a fear of conflict, rejection, or derision, but in the long run it is better to take the bull by the horns, and call a spade a spade than to walk around on egg shells and pins and needles, and beat around the bush, and then "back bite" the other.
Accountability - We need to be accountable to the good of the whole, and the whole needs to be accountable to its members. Accountability is about meaning what we say and saying what we mean. Accountability is about doing what we agree to and saying "no" when we are not able or willing to take on some responsibilities. It is always more disappointing to the whole when we aree to something and let people down that to just say "no" up front. Accountability, like assertiveness, often takes courage.
Value diversity - We need to be inclusive and not exclusive. The goal is not the melting pot, but rather the tossed salad or the mosaic where people's unique differences are not only tolerated but appreciated and valued as contributing to the richness of the whole. Blending in is not the goal, but appreciating and valuing differences in an enriching and empowering way is.
Integrity - We need to value integrity that is the individual's right to self determination and honesty in the face of unpopularity, disappointment, disagreement, and skepticism. It is difficult to be true to oneself and to others when one is experiencing various pressures and stressors to profess and act otherwise. We believe in the right of conscience, and justice and equity in human relations.
Teamwork - We need to work with others in a fair, collaborative, and a democratic way welcoming all ideas even if they cannot always be used. Leadership is used on behalf of others as a means of service for the good of the church and not of the self. Service above self becomes an important value of a healthy church.
Respect, Empathy, Assertiveness, Accountability, Diversity, Integrity, and Teamwork make the acronym REAADIT. "Read it".
Dan,
I also have no stake in what has gone on in your congregation; I am, for the most part, just a curious observer. However, in the spirit of disclosure, I will allow that I am a daughter of one of your resigned members.
However well-intentioned your post may have been, Dan, I must agree with Robin and Alan that your words likely did nothing to heal the recent wounds, and in fact, probably only poured salt in them.
To insinuate that the members who chose to leave your congregation were made of inferior stock, and were not "the cream" of Pullman, is not only hurtful, but also erroneous. The frustration and disappointment that caused some members to leave or consider leaving would not have arisen had these people not cared deeply about Pullman. Because others saw the situation differently, or perhaps did not care much about the issue one way or the other, does not make them better, more well-behaved members of the congregation.
Additionally, do you really think that publicly admonishing fellow church members is the best approach to reconciliation? I am hoping that your attitude is not representative of the remainder of the congregation, or I would be willing to bet that more resignations will follow. Perhaps your intentions in this post did not come across quite the way you had hoped, but it would behoove you to avoid sounding like the self-appointed arbitrator of church ethics. Maybe taking your own advice to "go placidly" would be helpful?
The one thing you are right about is the fact that the members who resigned are responsible for their choices, but my hunch is that their consciences are pretty clear. Is yours?
Best regards,
Maureen Daniels
Very well said Maureen.
Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. There is much healing left to do; a process made that much more difficult when the hurt is ongoing. Alan, Robin and Moe -thank you for your postings. Dan -your posting was more of heat than light. Others have responded to your posting quite thoughtfullly and I will not repeat them. In your post you note that we are all responsible for our endeavors. I think this includes responsibility for our words and their effects. The word "responsible" itself suggests not only accountability, but also that we are "response-able" - but you haven't added anything further to this conversation despite several requests for clarification. In a time when understanding is greatly needed, your silence leaves much of the hurt open. Your posting and the silence that has followed is painful. We are responsible for our endeavors. We are responsbile for our choices. I respect a persons ability to choose, including their choice of church community. As someone who has shared coffee and fellowship with you, I'm extending a hand. I would like to believe you can do better. The one great thing about freedom of choice is our ability to choose again.
Tanya
Well said Tanya. I have no personal stake in this matter, other than considering Daviod g. Markham to be a friend. Yes, most ironically, apparently "less than excellent" therapist Dan Miller will be forever responsible for his endeavor here and his current dearth of endeavors to act in an adult-like manner and deal with the "less than remorseful" behavior he has exhibited in his "musings" as a congregant and Board member of Pullman Memorial Universalist Church. It would be nice if the unnamed PMUC members who Dan has publicly insulted in his "musings" here did not have to wait forever for him to take personal responsibility for the hurt and pain he is responsible for causing in these adults. It would also be nice if I could somehow separate Dan's beliefs from his well documented actions here, to say nothing of his glaringly obvious inaction in terms of taking personal responsibility for these actions and making a reasonable effort to attempt to make amends and heal the emotional and psychological wounds that has caused with his poorly chosen words here, but I can't.
I will be ever so U*U PC and quite diplomatically refrain from saying anything about the early bird, indeed the 2008 Bird of the U*U World, getting the worm. :-)
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